Learning to be at Home

Adopted children do not inherit your genes. Your adopted son will not inherit your skill in football or baseball; he will not have your height to play basketball. Your daughter may not have the intellectual prowess to become a doctor or attorney. The parent-child relationship, however, is equal to that of any other family. You will love your child when they can’t throw a ball well, struggle to master an instrument, and sob because the kids down the street were mean.

Fathering an older child is different than a new-born in many ways. From the earliest moment an infant enters the home, parents instill attitudes, behaviors, and values. Teaching is subtle, often imperceptible, yet pervasive. Older children go through a crash course in family living. This immersion makes a father’s behavior extremely critical. Adopted children bring their own perceptions of the world. They are unaware of how a family works.

For example, when is something “ours” but only Mom & Dad can touch it; when is something “ours” and anyone in the family can use it; and when is something “ours” and belongs directly to the child? Similarly, children need to learn basic, unwritten rules of society such as “Why don’t we visit our friend’s house and peek through the front windows at 6:00 AM?” (Yes, it happened!)

The adopted child will learn many lessons during the first few months at home. Children must learn to experience a family “culture” including chores and responsibilities, owning possessions, and respect for other people’s property.

The child must also learn about celebrations (especially birthdays) and how to control jealousy when it’s someone else’s turn. The child Learns to “get” and “have” without always getting and having. The child will also learn about money—that it’s not infinite and that he can’t have everything even though he can have some things; she will also learn that she can work and be rewarded with money with which she can buy things she wants.

Children react differently to the high degree of stress they experience during this transition period. The symptoms for some children appear immediately while others take time for them to materialize--but they always do. Symptoms can include extreme emotions ranging from temper tantrums to giddiness. It is common for a child to exhibit a strong desire to please parents at one moment and then scream, yell, or even hit them soon after. The stress of transitioning from an institutionalized lifestyle to that of a family--something they've likely never experience--is akin to the culture shock that adults experience when traveling. It is the inability to influence or control your circumstances while you also don't understand the reasoning or rationale behind what is going on around you.

The advice for parents is to anticipate this transition. Prepare yourself for a few surprises. And be patient and loving.