Adopting fathers need to establish relationship with children both physically and emotionally. A physical relationship involves simple touching, cuddling, and sitting on the father’s lap. Most kids also enjoy simple games such as racing from the elevator to the hotel room (of course, the child usually wins) or some mild roughhousing such as being lifted in the air. Even mild tickling is a physical bonding experience.
Children will likely be scared during the first days or weeks, so watch for signs of fear such as tensing up or eye contact with caretakers as a plea for help. A new father should be gentle, but physical, during the early days.
During orphanage visits, I noticed that children naturally “cuddle” with my wife, leaning into her somewhat, enjoying the physical contact. Their experience and familiarity with women seemingly made them comfortable. Children usually approached me face to face, usually holding out their hands or arms, looking at my face, seeing if they could trust me. Once trust relationship was established, the children would flock around me, begging to be lifted up or tickled, cherishing the physical contact and playfulness of a father figure.
During my own childhood roughhousing was a common interaction. I naturally gravitated to roughhousing as a method of bonding with our two Kazakh boys, each about six years of age. I was gentle, but picked the kids up, lifted them above my head, spun them around in circles, and hung them upside down from my arms. The results were mixed.
For one boy, this kind of physical interaction was pure delight. Our other boy was intimidated and afraid during the first few days of visitation. All he knew was that this man was big (6’3, 250lbs) and he was scared. He was unfamiliar with any kind of roughhousing and found it physically and emotionally intimidating. He would always give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek (the orphanage caretakers told him to do so), but he pulled back quickly and acted afraid. Even after several weeks, he was still cautious. He tried new experiences with his mother first or waited until his brother experimented.
Each child is different; some will like roughhousing, others will prefer competitions, and even others will prefer to sit on your lap and read a book. The key is to physically interact.
Emotionally bonding takes longer and is less obvious. An emotional bond is nurturing a trusted and loving relationship. It manifests itself in a child coming to you for comfort when hurt or upset, by a smile intended to please you, or giving you a sincere (rather than obligatory) hug. One method to begin emotionally bonding is to develop routines that you do together.
With our Russian daughter, I taught her little sayings. In my broken Russian, I would say, “I love you” and she responded by saying, “I love you” back. We had another similar routine. I would point to her and say, “Who is that?” and she would respond with “good girl. We were limited by a language barrier, but developing a few simple phrases helped build a foundation of emotional bonding. During the first few weeks and even early months, these sayings were merely games that we played; after 3-4 months, the sayings became a routine that she cherished. Nearly a year later she sat on my lap and asked if they were true—did I really love her and was she really a good girl?
Another element of emotional bonding is how the Father treats other family members. Children are comforted when they see that their father loves their mother. Our adopted children all cringe and say “gross” when my wife and I kiss—but they are all peeking through their fingers and giggling. It gives them emotional security to know that their parents love each other. Physical and emotional bonding of the spouses, siblings, and self are crucial to success in international adoption and each child will act and react in a unique manner.
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