Visiting the "Baby House"

Our two boys were older, but we wanted to visit the orphanage where they were kept until age 3. We turned it into a service project by delivering some baby blankets made by a church group in Moscow, Russia. The boys didn't really understand the concept of doing something for others, but they were both obedient and hard working. As they carried the large bags of blankets, some of the care takers recognized them from when they were younger. One obsessive worker immediately began picking through their hair as if she was looking for lice.

We saw a play room, about 30' x 30' with a throw carpet covering most of the floor. Toys were stored on various types of shelves and in cabinets around the room. There was a long sofa along one wall on which sat 6-7 toddlers. Each of them sat perfectly still, watching us intently as we delivered a large number of blankets and took photos of the room. Again, this was where our boys were raised and this would be our only chance to see it and take pictures.

A set of double doors opened to the bedroom. A dozen or so cribs were placed around the room. Our hearts dropped as we imagined the hours of pain, agony, and crying that must occur in this room. A dozen toddlers in one room!

The "baby house" was clean. Staff were clean and groomed. It was definitely cleaner and better kept than the orphanage where the older children stayed.

While the orphanage wasn't "hiding" any of its conditions from us, the facilities for visiting parents were very different from those of the normal play rooms. The number of toys, the manipulatives, and the art on the walls gave a completely different impression of the facility.

The disparity was so striking that we found children somewhat stunned and uncertain about how to play with the toys in the "visiting" rooms. They were completely over stimulated by the abundance of toys and activities. Of course, the orphanage provides such a room so that parents and children have activities and can bond by playing games and engaging in interactive activities. Since children and parents don't speak the same language (even if children don't speak, Russian is the language that they've heard all their life), the ability to interact is primarily physical rather than educational.

First Visit to an Orphanage

I had traveled and even lived some in third-world countries. I knew the look of abject poverty, of rivers filled with the filth of litter, and even of children defecating in the streets. My business had taken me to many places. My wife had rarely been outside the United States and then usually on cruise ships or popular places like London. In this context, we experienced our first visit to an orphanage.

We entered through the back door. Outside the temperature was about -20F in the town of Oral, Kazakhstan. Regardless of where you live in the United States, twenty below zero is cold! The first impression of the orphanage was the heat. Inside, the temperature was hot and balmy--probably close to 80F. We immediately began sweating and quickly removing the extra layers that were needed outside.

The floor was made of tile and had a thin of grimy dirt that covered it. A woman was mopping with a bucket of water that was almost as dirty. It seemed that the primary role was to rearrange the dirt that was on the floor. It is impossible that that water in the bucket could have removed or cleaned the floor to any condition that I would have considered "clean."

We walked down a long hallway. Most of the walls and the ceiling were made with real plaster rather than the sheet rock and imitation ceilings that we use in the US. In this city, the cost of labor was still the cheapest commodity and even poorly funded government institutions had a high degree of workmanship that would have been prohibitively expensive at home.

We saw few people in the hallway. A few orphanage workers were dressed in white jackets and moved quickly. The screeches and screams of children echoed down the hall from every direction--the collective noise of nearly 200 children from ages three through eight. We were seated in a large room where the kids played games. Today, we were told, they would rehearse and "Independence Day" program that they were practicing.

Noise came from the hallway as heard footsteps and shuffling of many people and in came groups of children. Each was dressed in mismatched clothing, sloppy hair cuts, and some indoor slippers. Many of them wore smiles and were immediately aware of a "mama and papa" in the room to observe. Immediately, my wife began to sniff and wipe her eyes. She said, "They look just like little orphans--and they are little orphans!"

April 2007: Book of the Month

Twenty Things that Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parent Knew, by Sherrie Eldridge is an excellent book. It provides insight into the mental and emotional frustrations that adopted children can experience. In my own experience, the book also gave me increased confidence that my situation was not unique and that my children and I could endure together and overcome the current issues.

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Know
By Sherrie Eldridge

1. I suffered a profound loss before I was adopted. You are not responsible.
2. I need to be taught that I have special needs arising from adoption loss, of which I need not be ashamed.
3. If I don’t grieve my loss, my ability to receive love from you and others will be hindered.
4. My unresolved grief may surface in anger toward you.
5. I need your help in grieving my loss. Teach me how to get into touch with my feelings about my adoption and then validate them.
6. Just because I don’t talk about my birth family doesn’t mean that I don’t think about them.
7. I want you to take the initiative in opening conversations about my birth family.
8. I need to know the truth about my conception, birth, and family history, no matter how painful the details may be.
9. I am afraid that I was ‘given away’ by my birth mother because I was a bad baby.
10. I need you to help me dump my toxic shame.
11. I am afraid you will abandon me.
12. I may appear more ‘whole’ than I actually am. I need your help to uncover the parts of myself that I keep hidden so that I can integrate all the elements of my identity.
13. I need to gain a sense of personal power.
14. Please don’t say I look or act just like you. I need you to acknowledge and celebrate our differences.
15. Let me be my own person…but don’t let me cut myself off from you.
16. Please respect my privacy regarding my adoption. Don’t tell other people without my consent.
17. Birthdays may be difficult for me.
18. Not knowing my full medical history can be distressing at times.
19. I am afraid that I will be too much for you to handle.
20. When I act out my fears in obnoxious ways, please hang in there with me, and respond wisely.
21. Even if I decide to search for my birth family, I will always want you to be my parents.

The Role of Father

International orphanages are primarily run by women. Administrators, doctors, caretakers, custodians, cooks, and nurses are women. These women can be kind and loving, but also strict disciplinarians. As orphanage children grow, they bond with caretakers, often treating her similar to a mother.

Many children do not perceive themselves as orphans; they view themselves as having a group of mothers that care for them. The children begin to think of certain “Mothers” as the cooks, cleaners, music teachers, and so forth.

Children rarely see men. They see men during field trips as bus drivers, police, construction workers, and other stereotypical roles. Periodically, male government officials will tour the orphanage. By the time a child is six years old, they will have little, if any, personal-level interaction with an adult male. While they will develop stereotypes about men, they have little awareness of the role of a father.

The early weeks after adoption present a unique opportunity to the adoptive father. Despite his past or his natural inclinations, a father has the once-in-a-lifetime chance to redefine the “father figure” that he implants into his adopted child. The child has no pre-conceived notions about the role of a father; the child will open her arms to whatever fatherly behavior is manifest.

Men are not trained in the role of a Father. Most men feel inadequate in fathering skills and few feel that their own father’s served as positive role models. Psychotherapist Bruce Linton indicates in his book Finding Time for Fatherhood, “Most fathers today want to reassure their children that they are loved. Many grew up with fathers who were not very demonstrative, and often felt as if they had to earn their father’s love.”

Dr. Linton further emphasizes that the “definition of nurturing fathers centers around the fathers’ ability to help anticipate their children’s emotional needs…Fathers demonstrate their love for their children by being available to them, by being actively involved in their care and upbringing, and by supporting their personal interests.”

The nature of fatherly behavior set in the child’s mind in the first 6-8 weeks after adoption may set the mold for many years. The adopted child will view his Father as a nurturing parent or a feared disciplinarian, based on these early interactions. The child will decide if her Father keeps promises, values her point of view, enforces rules, and respects her boundaries. Small things build strong emotional bridges.

I have always made a point of appreciating the pictures drawn by our children. While few were artistic masterpieces, the child made an effort to draw a picture—usually of a house or of the two of us together.I exuded appreciation, filed the art in a special drawer, and sometimes scanned it onto the computer. At first, each child would go crazy making me pictures. For 3-6 months, I would accumulate large stacks of pictures. The benefit came years later, when the children would comment that “their Dad liked their pictures.” One child grew indignant in a Sunday school class when the kids teased him about his “unusual” drawing. His retort was, “I don’t care what you think. My Dad will like it”.

Instilling confidence in adopted children is priceless. It is also more difficult with older children because it must be earned from the child. Adopted children will have enough “real” emotional issues in their teenage years without questioning the love and loyalty of their Father. It is critical that fathers instill love and appreciation, even for the mundane.

Learning to be at Home

Adopted children do not inherit your genes. Your adopted son will not inherit your skill in football or baseball; he will not have your height to play basketball. Your daughter may not have the intellectual prowess to become a doctor or attorney. The parent-child relationship, however, is equal to that of any other family. You will love your child when they can’t throw a ball well, struggle to master an instrument, and sob because the kids down the street were mean.

Fathering an older child is different than a new-born in many ways. From the earliest moment an infant enters the home, parents instill attitudes, behaviors, and values. Teaching is subtle, often imperceptible, yet pervasive. Older children go through a crash course in family living. This immersion makes a father’s behavior extremely critical. Adopted children bring their own perceptions of the world. They are unaware of how a family works.

For example, when is something “ours” but only Mom & Dad can touch it; when is something “ours” and anyone in the family can use it; and when is something “ours” and belongs directly to the child? Similarly, children need to learn basic, unwritten rules of society such as “Why don’t we visit our friend’s house and peek through the front windows at 6:00 AM?” (Yes, it happened!)

The adopted child will learn many lessons during the first few months at home. Children must learn to experience a family “culture” including chores and responsibilities, owning possessions, and respect for other people’s property.

The child must also learn about celebrations (especially birthdays) and how to control jealousy when it’s someone else’s turn. The child Learns to “get” and “have” without always getting and having. The child will also learn about money—that it’s not infinite and that he can’t have everything even though he can have some things; she will also learn that she can work and be rewarded with money with which she can buy things she wants.

Children react differently to the high degree of stress they experience during this transition period. The symptoms for some children appear immediately while others take time for them to materialize--but they always do. Symptoms can include extreme emotions ranging from temper tantrums to giddiness. It is common for a child to exhibit a strong desire to please parents at one moment and then scream, yell, or even hit them soon after. The stress of transitioning from an institutionalized lifestyle to that of a family--something they've likely never experience--is akin to the culture shock that adults experience when traveling. It is the inability to influence or control your circumstances while you also don't understand the reasoning or rationale behind what is going on around you.

The advice for parents is to anticipate this transition. Prepare yourself for a few surprises. And be patient and loving.

Developing Father-Child Relationships

Adopting fathers need to establish relationship with children both physically and emotionally. A physical relationship involves simple touching, cuddling, and sitting on the father’s lap. Most kids also enjoy simple games such as racing from the elevator to the hotel room (of course, the child usually wins) or some mild roughhousing such as being lifted in the air. Even mild tickling is a physical bonding experience.

Children will likely be scared during the first days or weeks, so watch for signs of fear such as tensing up or eye contact with caretakers as a plea for help. A new father should be gentle, but physical, during the early days.

During orphanage visits, I noticed that children naturally “cuddle” with my wife, leaning into her somewhat, enjoying the physical contact. Their experience and familiarity with women seemingly made them comfortable. Children usually approached me face to face, usually holding out their hands or arms, looking at my face, seeing if they could trust me. Once trust relationship was established, the children would flock around me, begging to be lifted up or tickled, cherishing the physical contact and playfulness of a father figure.

During my own childhood roughhousing was a common interaction. I naturally gravitated to roughhousing as a method of bonding with our two Kazakh boys, each about six years of age. I was gentle, but picked the kids up, lifted them above my head, spun them around in circles, and hung them upside down from my arms. The results were mixed.

For one boy, this kind of physical interaction was pure delight. Our other boy was intimidated and afraid during the first few days of visitation. All he knew was that this man was big (6’3, 250lbs) and he was scared. He was unfamiliar with any kind of roughhousing and found it physically and emotionally intimidating. He would always give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek (the orphanage caretakers told him to do so), but he pulled back quickly and acted afraid. Even after several weeks, he was still cautious. He tried new experiences with his mother first or waited until his brother experimented.

Each child is different; some will like roughhousing, others will prefer competitions, and even others will prefer to sit on your lap and read a book. The key is to physically interact.

Emotionally bonding takes longer and is less obvious. An emotional bond is nurturing a trusted and loving relationship. It manifests itself in a child coming to you for comfort when hurt or upset, by a smile intended to please you, or giving you a sincere (rather than obligatory) hug. One method to begin emotionally bonding is to develop routines that you do together.

With our Russian daughter, I taught her little sayings. In my broken Russian, I would say, “I love you” and she responded by saying, “I love you” back. We had another similar routine. I would point to her and say, “Who is that?” and she would respond with “good girl. We were limited by a language barrier, but developing a few simple phrases helped build a foundation of emotional bonding. During the first few weeks and even early months, these sayings were merely games that we played; after 3-4 months, the sayings became a routine that she cherished. Nearly a year later she sat on my lap and asked if they were true—did I really love her and was she really a good girl?

Another element of emotional bonding is how the Father treats other family members. Children are comforted when they see that their father loves their mother. Our adopted children all cringe and say “gross” when my wife and I kiss—but they are all peeking through their fingers and giggling. It gives them emotional security to know that their parents love each other. Physical and emotional bonding of the spouses, siblings, and self are crucial to success in international adoption and each child will act and react in a unique manner.

In the Beginning...

It all began with pictures on the Internet.

My wife printed photographs of orphans from countries around the world. She picked children that were particularly cute—some fat and chubby, others malnourished; some were babies, others teens. She would talk of someday adopting. This behavior erupted at random times and continued for years before she convinced me to take adoption seriously.

Why adopt? We already had three healthy children. As a single-income family, I already felt the burden of paying for music lessons, sports programs, and school activities. Life was busy, my career blooming. At first, I dismissed the conversations as “baby hungry” behavior; over time, she became more earnest and I considered my own feelings more seriously.

We caught the adoption bug.

Within five years, we adopted five children from Kazakhstan and Russia. Each adoption was expensive, time consuming, and had its specific challenges. And we would do it all again. The people at the Tree of Life Adoption Center were fantastic and guided us through the intricacies at every turn of the process (and there were many intricacies and many tricky turns!). We also found "Russian Phrases for Children" to be a priceless tool in learning Russian.

Each child brought a unique light into our home. We are not the same people that we were before. As a father, my insight into the importance and role of fatherhood is dramatically different. I worry less about whether our child is a “starter” on the team and more about whether he is having fun; I worry less about being top of the class academically and more about her self confidence.

The relationships between the children also change as each develops love, patience, tolerance, and affection for the others. International adoptions are a heart-rending, soul-searching experience. Each child is unique. Each child is special. Most were abandoned by their mothers at birth and have known nothing of life in a traditional family. Some have special physical needs ranging from minor medical issues to major, life-changing limitations.

You and your wife will sort through hundreds of photos, dozens of videos, medical profiles, and maybe speak with other adopting parents who have met your child. With each child, you will ask yourself, “could I love that child?”, “can I handle this child’s special needs?”, or “are we crazy to be considering this at all?”

As the Father of five internationally adopted children, I have encountered many differing opinions about the role of fatherhood in adoption. As my wife and I worked through the years of love and long-suffering that are inherent in international adoption, I learned more about the role of a father in adopting, teaching, nurturing, and parenting children. A father is critical to successful adoption—both as a father-figure to children that have rarely been around men and as a support to the mother, who in traditional settings, carries the primary burden for teaching and nurturing adopted children.

This blog is dedicated to fathers, fatherhood, and the challenges of adoption. Please add your comments and this blog will address the ongoing issues and learnings for fathers.