The Role of Father

International orphanages are primarily run by women. Administrators, doctors, caretakers, custodians, cooks, and nurses are women. These women can be kind and loving, but also strict disciplinarians. As orphanage children grow, they bond with caretakers, often treating her similar to a mother.

Many children do not perceive themselves as orphans; they view themselves as having a group of mothers that care for them. The children begin to think of certain “Mothers” as the cooks, cleaners, music teachers, and so forth.

Children rarely see men. They see men during field trips as bus drivers, police, construction workers, and other stereotypical roles. Periodically, male government officials will tour the orphanage. By the time a child is six years old, they will have little, if any, personal-level interaction with an adult male. While they will develop stereotypes about men, they have little awareness of the role of a father.

The early weeks after adoption present a unique opportunity to the adoptive father. Despite his past or his natural inclinations, a father has the once-in-a-lifetime chance to redefine the “father figure” that he implants into his adopted child. The child has no pre-conceived notions about the role of a father; the child will open her arms to whatever fatherly behavior is manifest.

Men are not trained in the role of a Father. Most men feel inadequate in fathering skills and few feel that their own father’s served as positive role models. Psychotherapist Bruce Linton indicates in his book Finding Time for Fatherhood, “Most fathers today want to reassure their children that they are loved. Many grew up with fathers who were not very demonstrative, and often felt as if they had to earn their father’s love.”

Dr. Linton further emphasizes that the “definition of nurturing fathers centers around the fathers’ ability to help anticipate their children’s emotional needs…Fathers demonstrate their love for their children by being available to them, by being actively involved in their care and upbringing, and by supporting their personal interests.”

The nature of fatherly behavior set in the child’s mind in the first 6-8 weeks after adoption may set the mold for many years. The adopted child will view his Father as a nurturing parent or a feared disciplinarian, based on these early interactions. The child will decide if her Father keeps promises, values her point of view, enforces rules, and respects her boundaries. Small things build strong emotional bridges.

I have always made a point of appreciating the pictures drawn by our children. While few were artistic masterpieces, the child made an effort to draw a picture—usually of a house or of the two of us together.I exuded appreciation, filed the art in a special drawer, and sometimes scanned it onto the computer. At first, each child would go crazy making me pictures. For 3-6 months, I would accumulate large stacks of pictures. The benefit came years later, when the children would comment that “their Dad liked their pictures.” One child grew indignant in a Sunday school class when the kids teased him about his “unusual” drawing. His retort was, “I don’t care what you think. My Dad will like it”.

Instilling confidence in adopted children is priceless. It is also more difficult with older children because it must be earned from the child. Adopted children will have enough “real” emotional issues in their teenage years without questioning the love and loyalty of their Father. It is critical that fathers instill love and appreciation, even for the mundane.